Since the moment of they were born, I’ve watched my own children seek approval. It began with us,  their parents. When they ate well, we praised them. Then they crawled, we praised. Walked, praised. Grew a tooth, made friends, went to grandma’s house by themselves…Praise. Praise. Praise.

The system we created for them was established:   Action - Approval - Validation - Repeat 

We validated their very existence with nearly every positive action they took.

Then later in life, it began to evolve. Their validation process included teachers, coaches and friends.. The “A” on the test was rewarded. Kind behavior was met with praise. The safe driving practice resulted in a license. The touchdown pass got their picture in the paper.

I'm not arguing that positive affirmation and validation isn't important. In fact, I think its vital to healthy maturity. It feels great and promotes healthy decisions.

But what happens when we get to a place in our lives where validation becomes a bit more rare. We’re unloading the dishwasher, starting laundry, filling the car with gas, brushing our teeth, getting dressed, making the bed, washing our hands…and then silence. Nothing.

Wait. What? Where are the people with the blue ribbon. The praise. The thanks.  The great job!

Without a transition process between healthy childhood and some level of balanced adulthood, you welcome two friends to the party.

Mr. I'm Underappreciated and his friend, Mrs. I Feel Undervalued.

A few weeks ago, I sat quietly listening to the thoughts a friend was sharing. I could tell he was struggling. 

“I wish my life was a little different. A little more money, a spouse that listened more, additional professional opportunities. I’d like to go on an extra vacation once in a while. Work is ok, but I don’t think my boss even knows half the stuff I do for him.”  And his list went on.

I soon discovered a common thread in his comments.   “I.”    Everything he was sharing started and ended with HIS discomfort, HIS desires, HIS dissatisfaction and HIS apparent need for validation. No one had told him he was great. He was questioning his own value.

So I stopped him for a moment, took a breath in silence and with a puzzled look on my face I asked, “Who are the people that matter most in your life?” 

He looked at me with a blank stare. So I repeated, “Who are the other people in your life that all of these things may also be affecting?”

“Well,” he started, “I guess my wife and kids, mostly. Why?”

“Because everything you keep talking about has only to do with you…I wondered if there was anyone, or anything, else in your life that mattered as deeply.”

He looked as though I had just handed him a small bomb to diffuse in 30 seconds or less or the planet would explode. He kept looking for the lit fuse.

I went on, “I understand your pain. It’s not fun. Life, in general, is hard. There are so many moving parts, emotions, personalities, past pain and fear, desires and expectations. We can’t possibly keep them all sorted out. And with all the distraction the world hands us, how can we be expected to make sense out of it. So it's hard. I get it. And I see you in it.”

I kept going, “I also understand that as a man living in our culture, it's hard to admit when we’re challenged…in pain…feeling alone while we don’t have it all under control. It’s viewed as a sign of weakness.  And our desperation and anxiety become even greater as we continue to fall further from ourselves. Especially when it feels like the challenges we’re facing are nearly insurmountable. We begin begging (many times in the wrong places) for someone, or something, to validate us.”

Then I asked him, “Why are you questioning yourself? You’ve always been a confident and secure leader ready to take on any challenge. What’s changed?”

He wasn’t sure how to answer. He just knew his confidence had been shaken. His security threatened along with his happiness. 

His response, “I don’t know. I just ready to accept ANYTHING that will make me feel better about everything.” 

DANGER! The world can provide as many “anythings” as we want. Rarely are they healthy and good, right and just, authentic and genuinely helpful…especially long term. 

As I processed what my friend was going through, another conversation I had recently came to mind. It was with an Indian man looking to Lone Oak as a place to hold his meditation retreat. I asked the retreat leader what he wanted as his end result for his retreat guests. 

He wisely shared, “With the amount of outside distraction in our lives, every single day, I think we become confused. Outside distraction has now become our motivation. We all need a quiet place that we can remind ourselves who we actually are."

The billboard painted with the female character in a bikini selling something makes us feel like we should be more attractive. We ask ourselves, ‘what do I need to do to look like him or her?’  The fictional picture on the billboard was a distraction, not genuine motivation. Our own problem grew because it took us further away from who we really are or want to become.

Then we see the friend that recently purchased a new car or built a new house. We’re immediately motivated to work harder to produce the new house and car. When in fact, we’re just distracted from being grateful for the vehicle we’re currently driving or the house we currently live in.

We’re all working so hard to be validated. I'll throw out a social media post in hopes of a positive response. So I share the new car I’m driving, the scholarship I was awarded, the “A” my kid received, the job I took, the vacation I landed, the couch that was delivered, the lawn I mowed, the plumber I hired to stop the leak, the garden I planted, picture I painted, the meal I ate, the song I heard and the friends I have…

My friend was still looking at me, so I shared something to consider. A few points I gathered from a remarkable book I just finished reading. “Falling Upward” by a Franciscan priest, Mr. Richard Rohr.

Like everything we share at Lone Oak, I hoped it would give him some peace. The confidence to take an action step in a healthy direction. A new perspective on life.

Perhaps he’ll avoid the unhealthy distractions, be grateful for his current existence, eliminate his desire to fight or flee, and discover a healthy path that would intrinsically motivate him toward healthy results for him and his family.

1. It always gets better
2. Discomfort means growth
3. We always learn the most by looking in the mirror
4. Your circle of friends will grow smaller through life
5. A million things can change in a single moment

“The pain of falling is always necessary for the joy of rising.” - Richard Rohr

Remain encouraged,

Brian

(Learn more about Brian by CLICKING HERE)

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