Earlier this month my friend, Danny, stopped by Lone Oak, unannounced. He is a welder by trade and can fix nearly anything on the planet with his bare hands and usually the tools and parts within arms-reach. As busy as we both are, I don’t normally get a chance to see him during the week, so this was a nice surprise.

He pulled up just as we were finishing a tour with two energetic ladies who had discovered Lone Oak for their women’s retreat next year. I had just given directions to a local pumpkin patch to one of our RV guests, and I was about to meet with Chef David about food service. I had a lot happening but could tell Danny needed something. 

I saw him standing outside our office door and waiting patiently alongside someone I had never met. I walked outside and onto the office porch to greet them and meet his friend. They explained that they were in our area doing some welding work on a large, gated entrance. They were in need of a specific tool and asked if I had one they could borrow. Lone Oak was closer than Danny’s shop, so in an effort to save time and finish the job more quickly, he was requesting some assistance.

Side note:  It’s encouraging to me when others ask for help. It’s a beautiful way we can showcase some additional value for others. It affirms we’re opening our doors to others and presenting the mission we want to share (You’re valuable to us, and we’re here to help.).

As we made our way to the shop for the tools they needed to do the job, they explained the situation, and more specifically, why the repair was needed. 

Within the last week, the gentleman who accompanied Danny had been picking up large round bales in a field nearby. He had loaded, hauled and unloaded hundreds of bales in his history and had never had an issue. This particular time, and while pulling into the field and through the entrance gate, he clipped the side of the gate with the trailer he was pulling. It did some damage to the trailer and left the gate in need of repair.

It was an accident. There was no ill intent. He wasn’t rushing. He had simply lost concentration on the task at hand for a moment as he thought about the 12 other things he needed to do that day. He is human. He made a mistake. And I could tell he felt absolutely horrible about it.

As he explained what had happened, I noticed the sadness and guilt in his voice and face. He shared with harsh judgment toward himself about what he had done to someone else’s property. In his own words, “This just isn’t something I do. I was a pilot in the Air Force and am still flying for a major airline. I was thinking about some other things. And for a moment, I forgot I was pulling that trailer. I haven’t slept well since I did it. I can’t believe I let myself make such a dumb mistake.” 

After they got the tools they needed, I made my way back to the office and thought about his comments.

He was really beating himself up, I thought, and over what seemed like a reasonably small (and fixable) mistake. No one lost a life, a limb, or even that much time or money. He was sorry, had apologized to the owner of the gate, and was willing to fix it. And I’m quite confident the owner was understanding. 

So why was he so disappointed in himself? He’s human. We live in an imperfect world. Aren’t mistakes going to happen from time to time?

I witnessed him burning valuable energy on disappointment, guilt, and the “I should be better than this” negative self assessment. Energy he could have been positively using on his family and friends.

Where would he have learned that a mistake, any error, should haunt him at such immeasurable levels?

I sat down in my office chair and thought about the mistakes I’ve made, and the responses I’ve received. What self-image was created after doing something wrong...a bad pass on the court, the flag on the football field that prevented a touchdown, or the “C” in Biology.

Essentially, when I messed up, how did the leaders in front of me respond?

I thought about the world we live in that continues to equate “value” with the number of widgets created and sold. The net profits, fewer glitches, no mistakes and perfection as the target. All of which are admirable goals, but I began thinking about the best methods to achieve these goals….and I questioned the processes I’ve seen used in the past.

I wondered how many have grown up made to feel that mistakes are what “losers” create. If you make them, you’re less valuable than those that don’t…and there is a place for the “mistake makers” at the back of the line. 

The world is full of moving parts, what other stressors might he have had on his mind that may have distracted him from the task at hand? Challenges we all face with kids, co-workers, supervisors, spouses, parents, homes, yards, finances, school, teachers, coaches and supervisors. 

I wondered how his thoughts about his mistake may have been different had he grown up in a world that celebrated effort or an environment that found a learning lesson in everything. A world more empathetic and compassionate about mistakes made and with a deeper drive to understand the “why” in the undesired result.

I wondered about what my own kids were experiencing. What were they being taught by teachers, coaches, youth group leaders, grandparents, friends or by me when they made a mistake? What was our reaction when expectations were not met?

Were they forced to process through statements without much direction, empathy or compassion...
“Looks like you didn't study hard enough.”

“If you would have caught it, we would have scored!”

"You must just not be that smart."   (A comment made to me by an instructor in graduate school after turning in a project.)

OR....were they experiencing a relationship and the motivation to improve...

“That did work out the way we wanted. Everything ok?”

“Is there something I can do to help?”

“I’ve seen you catch those before…what's on your mind?”

"I've seen great work before...help me understand how to help?"

When we’re critical of someone else’s actions, mistakes or behavior, do we take a moment to understand why the mistake may have occurred? Is there a deeper meaning in the missed expectation? Or do we put the mistake, itself, under a microscope and simply concentrate on the less desired result?

When experiencing less desirable results, why not ask a question instead of voicing a statement? An inquiry rather than an accusation? Rarely will we meet anyone that wakes up in the morning with a desire to create errors, fail, or initiate chaos for themselves or others.

In addition, staring at the final result will seldom give us the answer as to how to improve the next time. But by understanding and manipulating the initial steps, or the “cause,” we can normally, and sometimes easily, change the effect.

Lone Oak continues to provide a quiet, distraction-free and safe environment to provide these beautiful transformations within ourselves and with each other. A space to understand the cause, so the effects can be more desirable.

A space to create a plan to improve a relationship. A pathway to achieving more financial or professional health. Clarity in the next steps with kids, our spouse, or our business. Perhaps a deeper understanding of what God is interested in seeing fulfilled.     

Watch the answers flow and your quality of life improve.

These things rarely come to us while we fight the sound of sirens, traffic, television and radios. They don't arrive in the midst of papers shuffling, constant meetings and phone notifications.

Answers do, however, arrive when we least expect it. Perhaps after, or even during, a quiet nights rest or a walk through the woods. Maybe while sitting still and listening to the birds sing, watching fish swim or while the cows, horses and goats eat.  Come see us.

Remain encouraged,

Brian