Imagine the following…

It's 11am on a cool Saturday in October. You’ve just stepped into a large mall surrounded by clothing stores, restaurants, arcades, mall walkers, strollers, women having coffee with friends, men looking for new running shoes and teenagers lounging around the sunglasses kiosk.

Your 10 and 12 year old are just a few feet in front of you. Your spouse stayed home that morning to get a few things done in a quiet house. You’d taken some time earlier that day to exercise and eat a light breakfast. The morning was free from extra-curricular activities. The sun was shining. It was the perfect day to grab a few pairs of school jeans for your youngest son, and your daughter wanted to go along for the ride. What a great start to the weekend!

You walk out of JC Penny’s, take a right and stroll past the front entrance to a small cafe that serves breakfast until 2pm. You’d eaten at that same cafe across town a few months ago with friends. You remember having enjoyed the food, the service and the environment. So you share with your kids, “Let's finish getting what we need and come back for pancakes before we leave. Sound good?” 

They smile with excitement!

At that moment, the sound of people walking and talking around you is disrupted by a woman yelling. You know immediately it's not a fearful yell. Rather, she sounds angry. You turn to your left. A woman in her 40’s is standing on a bench in the middle of the walking area, screaming, while pointing at the entrance to the cafe you just walked by.

“MY EGGS WEREN’T COOKED THE WAY I ASKED FOR THEM TO BE!  THE PORTIONS WERE TOO SMALL! AND I HAD TO WAIT IN LINE AT THE BATHROOM! I WOULD NEVER RECOMMEND THAT PLACE TO ANYONE!”

We stared in disbelief as she continued for another 10 seconds about the crumbs on the floor under her table, and something about the chair she sat in that rocked slightly on an uneven floor.

After a few seconds, she finished, stepped down, and grabbed her son who had watched the entire display.  They stormed out the door of the mall into the parking lot and toward her car.

You look around. Those who had stopped to listen to the lady looked at each other, turned back, and continued to do their walking, shopping and chattering as if nothing had happened. 

You looked down at your children to confirm they weren’t scared or even crying from the outburst. They were fine. You look back up and toward the cafe. That’s when you see him. The cafe owner, standing in the doorway, his head down, leaning against the threshold. He’s in his late 40’s or early 50’s. He’s wearing a collared, button-down, plaid shirt with a small coffee stain on the front. His shirt slightly untucked from his jeans. He had a broom in his hand, the bristled end resting on the floor. Embarrassed and looking defeated, his wife stood close beside him holding his arm that hung limply to his side. His teenage son, apron on and a dishtowel hung over his shoulder, standing calmly behind both of them.

The man looked up. His eyes meet yours. You’re about 15 yards from one another. Not close enough to say anything, but his body language and facial expressions were clearly describing his thoughts, “I swear I want to be successful. I want people to be happy in my cafe. I don’t want to work 80 hours every week for minimum wage. It's painful to work so hard and still struggle. To have the same conversations with my wife about money. Is this worth it? And while working so hard, I still get kicked in the teeth in public. My intent is not to provide horrible service and bad food. In fact, I don’t even THINK it was that bad. There are 30 people in my cafe right now that seem to be enjoying everything. But now, no one in the mall will eat lunch with us today because of 1 public, emotional outburst. And so, I will, yet again, struggle this week. If that woman just would have approached me, calmly, I could have tried to help.”

You’re heartbroken. You think, regardless of the experience he provided that lady, no one deserves to feel the way he looked.

You finish your shopping, go back to the man’s cafe, and have a wonderful lunch with your kids. You got a chance to talk to the owner. He explained, “Two of my staff called in sick. My 6 month old daughter woke up with a fever. The food delivery truck was missing half my product. And the water was shut off this morning due to a water break on the other side of the mall. Fortunately, my wife and son were able to help. My sister is keeping our daughter. The water is fixed. And the staff that are here are doing the best they can to keep up. All in all…we’re making it.”  And he half smiles…

Upon arriving home, your kids crash on the couch to watch the college football game that was already on television. 

You try watching the game, but your mind keeps replaying the lady’s angry words and tone. The cafe owner’s look of grief, sadness and frustration.  You begin to think…

That lady just threw a fit. With her expectations not met, she screamed her negative opinion and quick judgment to the general public. She created the damage, then walked out. How is that any different than what she’ll do on social media when she gets home? It’s public. It’s hurtful. It creates damage. And all within the safe environment of her home.

I’ve always been taught (and biblically speaking), to go directly to the person you FEEL may have wronged you. In private, voice your concern and listen to understand. Discover the full story. Normally, but not always, there is a way to work through it and everyone wins. If nothing is accomplished, get someone trustworthy and mature (not the general public…they’re normally clueless) to help mediate the situation.

In addition, keep one, simple, quality leadership aspect in mind, “Praise in public. Criticize (or understand and redirect) in private.”

Professional sporting events, political venues, and public, social media “stages” don't seem to be appropriate venues for deep criticism. Nothing about arguing in public, screaming at players, people or even opponents has consistent and positive after-effects. Humans aren't wired to improve their behavior when threatened. At that moment, they are only working to stay alive.

Furthermore, I don’t know anyone who thinks diligently about how badly they desire to fail. Kids, adults, sports teams, businesses, organizations and animals…we all want to do our best to win. 

So how does a negative review or hurtful comments actually help? When was the last time someone screamed negative things about you or your actions and it left you with a deep and healthy desire to do better? 

“You’re fat and out of shape! It’s gross!” your youngest child yells to you while standing in the gymnasium with 140 other people before running out of the door. Do you smile, go home immediately and hop on the treadmill with renewed energy? Of course not, your body and mind go into fight or flight mode. Your energy is being spent on protecting yourself from the hurt that their comment created. Not on improving you or your situation. 

Did the lady’s attack motivate the cafe owner to do better? Or did it simply discourage him and demoralize and embarrass his wife and family?  Leaving him to spend any remaining amount of energy he had to simply exist.

The next time you’re frustrated with an experience, product or interaction, take a moment to understand what may be happening…inside and outside of you. Are your emotions a reflection of your current experience or something else? Did your expectations not get met? If not, why? Find a way to go directly to that person. Make every attempt to HELP the situation. If to no avail, and it's vital that you let millions of people know that the pizza you just ate had a dry crust, perhaps you post it.

But in those deciding moments, I strongly suggest taking a quiet walk. Sit on your back porch and watch the sun go up or down. Give it some time. This peaceful space allows you the energy to count the blessings you do have. Perhaps then, you’ll discover a way you can share a blessing with someone that may be struggling…pick up their broom, sweep the floor under your own table, and allow him a minute to call and check on his daughter. 

Most definitely, in your simple decision to stop and help (rather than accuse) you may give someone the motivation to improve. And at that moment, perhaps you’ll both find a way to win.

Remain Encouraged,

Brian